If you follow my blog, I assume it's because you are vaguely interested in what I have to say. Or it's because you really like looking at badly taken photographs of tall people in clothes that they've had a really long time. In a badly lit attic. Surrounded by more clothes they've had a really long time. And cats. Always with the cats.
Or maybe, like me, you're not entirely au fait with the internets and just click on whatever's green on the page (Because: Green for go) and there was a green bit near my follow button and your fingers were a bit slippery from some cheesy Wotsits and now you don't know how to unfollow and are stuck reading this (Hiya).
Well today, I noticed that I had over ten followers. That's over ten people who have one of the tendencies listed above.
Then I felt SCARED. Because despite what I put across, I'm pretty private. WHAT IF ONE OF THESE FOLLOWERS IS A REAL LIFE PERSON I KNOW? WHAT IF THEY REALISE I'M EVEN MORE SHALLOW AND VACUOUS THAN I APPEAR IN THE COLD LIGHT OF REAL LIFE DAY?!?! Most importantly, what if I spell something wrong.... (I just changed then to than to then to than with this thought in mind)
I've always wanted to be a writer; more specifically, to be an author of children's books. Part of the reason I started blogging was to get back into the habit of writing stuff, of putting actual words on actual electronic device screen. It just so happened that I also like clothes, lipstick and taking bad photographs of myself. So this is sort of what my blog has evolved into.
Is this sustainable? I don't know.
I'm not sure I buy enough clothes for a start. I try them on, I window shop my arse off, but overspending in my youth and buying a house far too young have left me in a place where I am extremely happy but also extremely interested in a lottery win/job that pays more (preferably one where I can also work in my slippers and sit in a beanbag).
I lose focus quite easily don't I?!? I was trying to explain my anxiety around people I actually know reading my blog and I've slipped effortlessly into beanbags...So back to that.
The way I write reflects what I'm like as a person. Lazy, light-hearted, simple and ultimately a bit all over the place. I imagine that anybody who knows me would use at least one of these words to describe me (plus they wouldn't be wrong in adding stroppy, over-dramatic and massively inept....) so my blog wouldn't come as a vast surprise in that sense.
The thing is, it just seems terribly narcissistic. I must stress stronger than the strongest strong thing here that I never, ever, EVER read another blog with this opinion. I read blogs because I want to know about other people and their lives. The blogs I hold in highest esteem are the ones about people, about aesthetics, about escapism really. I suppose you could say its voyeuristic. Or is it aspirational? I don't know. I just know I like them.
However, when you're writing about yourself and you become distinctly aware that you're not really very exciting (except when you're doing the worm across the floor of an empty pub at 7pm on a weekday night) or stylish or actually all that interesting, it all becomes a bit silly. And then people read it. And it's awesome wonderful incredible because these fabulous people don't hate your spewing of words. And then, as I said, it becomes scary. You want to say "DONT JUDGE ME!" but really, I'm putting these words out there to be judged aren't i? I want people to read my blog objectively, which is hard to do if you actually know me.
For example, imagine a friend ringing you in the morning and saying "I'm so sad today, my job's terrible, I'm worried about the apocalypse, my monkey's just swallowed my canary and I think I've got nits". You then casually look at their blog and there they are in a leather bikini, false smile and paragraphs extolling the virtues of Sparklebum eyeshadow. You'd be screaming at the screen "But this isn't you!!! You're sucking your thumb on the settee and moaning about picking canary feathers out of your monkey's teeth!"
I'm sure a lot of us do this (not the monkey teeth bit), like I say, it's escapism. I choose these photo angles and light topics to leave behind the real life day. A bit like a virtual shower.
I just hope that people realise this. It's all really for my benefit. Other people liking to read it is a huge bonus. Just please don't think me a fraud, or any more of a narcissist than I am. Take it for what it is. Or leave it. Up to you.