Some of you may recall my post about approaching the big 3-0, I was a wee bit anxious. This is because I'm a bit of a "catastrophist" (I like this word, it sounds terribly important). So this is just a small update. Because obviously you all care deeply about how much of a difference 6 months has made to my life (Spoiler: Not a huge amount)
I'm going to be hella predicable here and talk about health, wealth and happiness. I have to let you know that it gets pretty deep in parts and I really wouldn't judge anyone for tuning out and back in when I'm back onto a pretty dress post. We all have the odd tough day and I don't want to kill anyone's buzz.
So HEEEEERRRRERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO:
Babies are lovely aren't they? They're all small and innocent and get away with stuff because they don't know better yet (allegedly...). They fit into adult people's life plans in different ways; Some people's plan is not to have one through choice, some people plan to have one after marriage, others before, some people plan to make this little living thing and then can't and change their plans and are extremely happy.
Well, my life plan isn't exactly a life plan, it's more of a day-to-day try-not-to-get-hit-by-a-bus, remember-to-brush-your-hair plan, so where do babies fit in for me? In March, I fell pregnant (not accidental, not deliberate, I'd just not thought about it) "WHOA" I thought, "MAYBE THIS IS WHAT I DO AT 30?!?". I wasn't scared, I wasn't excited, I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad. I was just up the duff. I'm not going to go into too much because that's for the man that put the baby in me (my husband as luck would have it) and me to know and think about and sometimes maybe dwell on) but we ended up, two months down the line, being pretty interested in this little womb based development.
This is where it went a bit Pete Tong, I had a miscarriage, which was crap. I don't talk about sad things on this blog, it's not me, I write happy because generally I AM happy. So don't worry, this isn't going to be sad and you won't need to feel concerned for me (no more that you usually do anyway...). The inpregnator and I are just fine. Physically I came out of it remarkably well and I have some frankly MARVELOUS friends, who, having been through similar occurrences, kept me and my shit together and supported me like the hardcore Smyth scaffolding that they are. My family are also magnificent, they closed ranks and kept me in a warm cocoon until I felt prepared to get my dancing shoes back on a couple of days later.
Here's the thing, if anything, this event got my brain back in the game. I've never had such clarity. There's no rush with anything, even if we decide a baby isn't for us, or if it doesn't happen for another reason, I have A LOT of other things in my life. Blogging for instance!
I'm financially the opposite of wealthy (I have moths loving in my purse but credit in my simply be account so that's just Kool and the gang with me) but in terms of the emotional wealth I am A-OK. Since my last post, I've had some glorious times with friends and family. I've seen people I've not seen for too long, I've joined my Dad in enjoying a very very well deserved retirement, I've seen my sister become happier than she's ever been in her life. Finally, I've distanced myself for other people's shit. Save your drama for your llama guys.
I'm happy. I'm proper happy. There's things I want to change but they're no biggies; work, creativity, holidays (more please!!). This happiness has been due in large to learning a couple of things:
> Breathe: Really BREATHE. Stop and breathe and clear your mind and just be about you.
> Being tired isn't being lazy: If you're tired, rest. Don't feel guilty. We're living in a world that we are not designed to exist in. It's busy, it's tough and you need to look after yourself.
> Don't get into the boxing ring with yourself: When your brain gets all up in your grill, ignore it. Sometimes your brain wants to cause you stress you don't need. It's natural. If you know you're turning something into a disaster, take a minute and say "thanks for that brain but I'm gonna try something different here".
So being 30 and a half; WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME?!?
> I'm back at the gym, I like the gym. When I can be bothered to go. So I've started at one near work which has reeeeeeeally excellent air conditioning and an excellent music channel. You know, the important things. The gym really helps with my levels of work place aggression which is mostly internalised, resulting in sporadic swearing and my shoulders being higher than my ears...
> I'm saying no less. If someone asks me to do something, I don't just go "sorry no, I'm too old/tired/poor/lazy/haven't shaved my legs/need to feed the cats/don't want to interrupt my skincare regime"
> Speaking of skincare regime, I now have one. It's evolved from Ultrabland and the inside of my pyjama top to the Liz Earle three step thang which is making a huge difference. I'll blog it when I've been doing it long enough to securely recommend it and guarantee my skin hasn't spontaneously combusted.
> I've made some decisions re taking other peoples shit onboard. If someone doesn't like me, or thinks I'm too fat/thin/rich/poor; that's their beef, not mine. My beef is more important and should therefore take up all of my time, not have to squeeze in at the side.
Being 30 and a half is pretty great guys, 30 year old me knew NOTHING....
Just for a serious moment, I mentioned in this post that I'm VERY lucky to have some chuffing brilliant friends and family. Suffering a miscarriage is a very complicated and weird time and everybody works through it differently - If anybody reading this ever needs an ear to listen on this subject or ANY subject come to that, please feel free to email me on email@example.com or DM me on twitter @thesmyth